Waking up is hard.
Waking up is painful and difficult. At least, if you are me it is. I know that for a lot of you blessed ‘morning people’ out there, you don’t have any problems waking up and getting out of bed. My middle child is one of your kind. Let me just say this:
I don’t get you!
How do you do it? Ha! I have had several jobs now that have forced me to get out of bed well before I wanted to. I can do it. I can. I can even come to enjoy it…
But only after I have actually swung my legs out of bed and wiped the sleep out of my eyes. Those moments when my alarm clock is going off, and I snooze 5 times, is pure torture. It is the war of all wars raging inside of me trying to get out of bed every morning. My body and mind fighting with all of their might against their arch nemesis – Responsibility.
Yet, once I am up, coffee in hand, I do quite enjoy the morning. There is a peace that can be found in waking up early that cannot be found at any other time. I only have to conquer myself each and every morning to find that peace.
That is life though, isn’t it? And not just life, but a life of depth, purpose, and meaning. A spiritual life of any kind, I am finding, will be conquering myself each and every day to find that peace. A certain someone said something along the lines of, “If you lose your life you will find it.” Oh, that’s right…Jesus! We must die to self in order to have life.
These are words that have not only been emblazoned on my heart and my very being the last couple of months, but they are a mantra – a way of life for me now. I am currently in a state of waking up. My eyes are opening. It is painful and everything in my being is fighting against this awakening.
Because change awaits. I am a human being. If there is one thing that human beings have in common, it is the engrained resistance to change.
I believe we all need and experience awakenings in our lives, no matter what your number is. However, as an Enneagram 9, my resistance towards waking up is a little more complicated. 9’s are often called Peacemakers. We are called peacemakers because everything in our being cries out against conflict. Conflict makes us uncomfortable and pained. 9’s are all about keeping and restoring our inner and outer harmony. If the outer harmony is thrown out of whack, our first instinct as 9’s isn’t to resolve that conflict, but to retreat within what other 9’s call our Inner Sanctum. The sanctuary that we have built inside ourselves to hold our own inner harmony together. It is this harmony that 9’s try to sustain at all costs, and change is the number one way to throw harmony into dissonance. So what is our primary defense against the dissonance created by conflict?
Figurative and literal sleep. 9’s in times of deep conflict and change can just fall asleep. Not only can they, but they actually do just fall asleep. Sometimes in the middle of the conversation or disagreement. Our body literally shuts down trying to sustain the harmony we hold so dear. We will also figuratively fall asleep to keep the harmony. Our being will actually appear to leave our bodies, but in reality we just go inside of ourselves to our Inner Sanctum. 9’s are very good at continuing conversations without actually being present. I don’t say this to brag. I believe it is a downfall of 9’s. It is a survival mechanism. We will hold entire conversations without actually being present. If you are married to a 9 or have a 9 child or friend, you will know exactly what I am talking about, because you have probably seen this happen in the middle of an argument or conversation. Knowing this now grieves me in many ways, because it not only happens in conversations or conflict, but we can be asleep for life itself.
This is my reality I find myself in now. I am just now waking up. I have been stirred. My alarm is going off. The beams of the morning light are breaking through my eyelids. My Inner Sanctum has been disturbed.
My being is awakening.
My instinct is to pull the covers over my head and try my hardest to go back to sleep, but something inside of me cries out and will not allow it. Not this time. Not anymore. I have been asleep for far too long. Something is different this time. I can’t just retreat. I am being stirred and shaken. It is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. Perhaps that is why I am being drawn to write, to document my journey of waking up…because I don’t want to go back to sleep. Writing and speaking the reality – the pain, joys, progress, and failures – will give me accountability, something I know I need in order to not fall back asleep.
This is my journey of waking up.
© Derek Harkins 2018